I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
