He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
