i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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