please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
