There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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