I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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