the condom got lost in my hair
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
