Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
