he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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