I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize