Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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