his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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