Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
