I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
