dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
