Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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