I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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