When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
