the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
