I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
