Got a toothbrush?
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
