Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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