Swine flu. Run for my life!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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