I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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