i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
