I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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