my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
