Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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