i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
