He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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