sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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