Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
