he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just forgot I was standing up.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
