That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
