my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
