and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
