nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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