hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
