So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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