That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
