I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.