Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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