you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
