I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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