Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
