dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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