Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
