apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
