She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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