She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
