At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
