Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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