Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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