sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
