The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Send help, water and tortillas.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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