I wish my penis had an off switch
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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